Finally I am on my way to being an official resident of Sweden!! The Viking and I went down to “Skatteverket” (which is a way more fun name for the IRS) to ‘sign me in’ so that I can get a personnummer which will allow me (among other things) to take Swedish classes which might eventually lead to being able to get a job, and the whole dominoes of settling in… !
It was a pretty straightforward process. Years ago I worked with a guy who married an Australian woman, and getting her to the US on the basis of their relationship involved all sorts of proving that they were truly in love, but, as far as I could work out (not being able to understand the conversation between the Viking and the lady at the booth), he was pretty much like, “yo, this is my girlfriend, I’ll make sure she doesn’t commit crimes or run up debts,” and they were like, “cool.” At least, the lady in the booth was like, “cool,” but I guess it’s not really up to her so she doesn’t care; maybe we’ll get a letter in a couple of weeks saying, “please.”
However, apropos of my post yesterday about my feelings on feminism, this whole “signing me in” thing made me feel a little bit weird. It’s not actually a feminism issue as a Swedish woman would sign her American boyfriend in, but the fact that I am kind of officially his ‘dependent’, gave me a minor freak out.
I’m not planning on running out and committing any crimes or anything, but if the urge ever took me I don’t like feeling that the consequences would come back on him. I’ve been basically on my own in life since my Grandma got Alzheimer’s when I was in my early 20s, and I’m used to the buck stopping with me – I don’t always make good choices or do everything right, but if I screw up it’s only me that’s affected and as I did the screwing up I’m fine with facing the consequences.
But suddenly, I’m tied to the Viking. I don’t think it’s quite to the extent that if I did something bad he would be arrested or anything, but that’s how it felt a little bit, and I couldn’t help but think, “buddy, you sure you know what you’re getting in to here?”
In eighth grade, we had a school trip to the Grand Canyon. There was one look out point we stopped at, where the barrier was pretty much just a chain strung across some fence poles. I was mad at the teacher for some reason, can’t remember why now, and I walked away from the group to the barrier and I stood with my toes touching the very edge and looked down. I remember standing very straight and just looking down with my eyes, because if I leaned forward I would fall. And I was curious. I got this weird urge to jump. Of course I wasn’t suicidal, I was just a weird twelve year old: I was curious to do the very worst thing I could do while standing at the edge of the Grand Canyon.
All my life since then, every once in a while, I get urges to do the worst thing I could do in any given situation. Mostly I just smile to myself at the stupid thought; once or twice I’ve acted on them (clearly not the ones to jump off cliffs). I once made out with a groom purely because it was the worst thing anyone could ever do at a wedding, and felt horrible and have regretted it ever since.
As we walked away from the tax office and the Viking kidded around about how he would have to pay off my debts, I couldn’t help but think, “buddy, you sure you know what you’re getting in to here?”
Life is Swede 
July 2, 2013 at 11:18 am
“buddy, you sure you know what you’re getting in to here?” – This is exactly how it should be. This is V’s skin in the game. You picked up and left your life and your country for foreign land where you were met with not-quite-a-welcoming-committee. This evens the playing field. It’s a good thing.
July 2, 2013 at 6:11 pm
That’s a good way to look at it – thanks!
July 2, 2013 at 4:09 pm
well congrats on a new step in the process!
July 2, 2013 at 6:11 pm
Thank you!
July 2, 2013 at 5:52 pm
Hello! I’ve been really enjoying reading about your experience. I’m an American girl who recently made friends with some Swedes, and yeah, the cultural difference is fascinating. I completely empathize with what you must be going through. Although I’ve never been, I have moved from small town US to New York City recently, and went through a very similar experience. I have some advice that I think may help you (for what it’s worth):
#1: “Too Cool for School” – when I first moved to NY, I had heard all these stories about how tough eveyone was, and how noone looked each other in the eye on the street, etc. The moment I got there, I noticed this general attitude of folks around me, so I immediately put on a ‘yeah, whatever’ attitude on my face when I walked down the street – like, ‘been there, done that’. I’m normally a very lively genuine person, but I have to tell you, that kind of…protection…really helped! It was a shell attitude that allowed me to move through the city, seeming stronger than I actually felt, and acting like I belonged there. Maybe this is the sort of middle-school mentality of survival, but adopting the basic general cultural ‘face’ that i noticed in NY, really helped protect me when I was feeling so vulnerable and getting my bearings.
From my limited experience/research, Swedes are famous for being slow to engage with people they don’t know. The sort of blank look, some perceive as cold or haughty, actually (as I understand it) is actually a show of respect: they show respect to you by listening, and being calm. And of course they’re not used to the bubbly american style that may be so lively and friendly right off the bat, so that can freak them out too. You may’ve heard the term ‘Lagom’ before, but if not, you should look it up. I think that speaks for the cultural attitudes and how it differs from the US: Lagom, as I understand it, is the ideal of everything ‘just so’ – in balance. In the US we are encouraged to be extroverts, to show off our personality, our uniqueness, right off the bat. In Sweden it’s the opposite – they value a common respect, calmness, listening to others, waiting in line, etc. as a way of harmony. They don’t tend to show off their sililness/uniqueness/quirkiness (and they are WAY quirky!) until they get to know you better (or until they’re hammered of course!).
From another perspective: my swedish friends were very confused when they came here because, when everyone was being so open and friendly to them, they thought everyone really liked them and wanted to be best friends, when really we were all just being ‘friendly’, and they thought WE were the ones being shallow! In sweden, they take a long time to get to know people – they have patience, So it’s interesting to see it from both points of view.
I know this won’t help the immediate, strong emotions that come up when you’re out of your element, wanting to get to know good friends of the guy you love, who you uprooted your life for, etc. Your emotions are completely justified, and I would be having the same struggle, TOTALLY. I totally feel your pain. You weren’t prepared for the way folks would treat you, and that’s completely understandable. But I would do my damdest not to take it personally. It’s likely they’re behaving this way 80% out of cultural differences, 20% out of being protective of their friend who made a big decision to bring a new important person in to all of their lives. Yeah, his friends may just be dicks. True. But, until you really know their true personality, I would just act extremely confident, don’t show that you’re offended by what they say (and try to consider they may not mean it the way you’re perceiving it). fake it till you make it, let the weirdness just roll off your back, and know this is just the growing pains of immersing yourself into their culture, and into their close-knit group of friends.
#2: Gorgeous and Intimidatingly Perfect
Yeah, so the US is way more laid-back about clothes. Sweden shows off its cultural personality by embracing fashion. And it doesn’t help an outsider that they are, just…uniformly…gorgeous, fit, educated, bilingual people as a whole. Man, I don’t envy you. This would be so difficult for me to adjust to. But I had *somewhat* similar experience in NY (everywhere you turn your head, you will see a GORGEOUS woman or man, so someone just crazy cool. Everyone wears black, they’re like 2 seasons ahead of you, and it’s tough. So, my 2nd piece of advice for you is: Go Shopping. Go to Zaras. or H&M. Buy a couple of new staples that you feel comfortable in. Then go to a stylist in your neighborhood and get a new haircut. With new products (swedes love their products!).
Then use those (yeah, superficial, I know) things as a shield. This will help you feel less a duck out of water, until you are comfortable enough where you live and with whats around you to truly be yourself a bit more.
So, in summary (this is long! Sorry!)
1. Be cool – act cool, have less expression when meeting new people, when on the street. When in Stockholm, do as the Swedes do. Mimic it a bit, be cool, then slowly show them your personality, at the same rate they show you theirs. And before you are offended by something they say, try to truly listen and consider if they mean it in a different way than you are perceiving it. Be patient with them.
2. Dress like a Swede: I’m not saying overhaul your style, but just ramp it up a bit. Invest in some quality pieces that you like, that make you feel good, get a new haircut/makeup, etc. YOU are awesome. you probably have great style already. But this is something that really helped me prepare my ‘armor’ to go out in the city. I think it may help you too.
Here’s the thing: You HAVE to be yourself. Your boyfriend loves you for who you are, and they will too. And if not, others will. They will totally dig you, your personality, your americanness. I don’t think you should hide your personality at all. You seem very confident, strong and stubborn (in a good way!). – these are ALL great qualitites to have there. Strong women are de rigeur there. It’s great that you have strong opinions about feminism, because they do too. Even if you totally disagree, just have the conversation with them. You’re bringing a new perspective, and they will respect it. They may not agree, but if you have a productive conversation with them, they should respect you more for it too. Stand up for what you believe. Be yourself! But just grease the wheels a bit when you’re out in the world. It will help. I promise. Good luck!! Excited to read more about your adventure.
July 2, 2013 at 6:16 pm
Wow this is all such amazing advice and really resonates – thank you so much!
July 2, 2013 at 8:55 pm
for sure! hope it helps (even a little). you are definitely not alone! in the meantime, go outside and enjoy the beautiful weather. we who are not in sweden right now are all quite jealous;)
also, check this out:http://www.amclubsweden.org/
you should consider going to their picnic even this Sunday (sondag)! Maybe you can meet some swedes who’ve lived in the US and can befriend you and help you through the adjustment! Or some Americans who know what you’re going through and can offer some help. Good luck!
July 2, 2013 at 6:19 pm
You’re brave and I admire your adventurous spirit. I’ve always wanted to go to Sweden. Good luck!
July 2, 2013 at 7:57 pm
What a treat to find your blog! I love reading about expat life in other countries as you are an expat sister of sorts! Keep writing and I’ll keep reading!
July 2, 2013 at 10:32 pm
Congratulations on getting another step further to becoming a Swedish resident. I understand your trepidation on being “dependant” on your boyfriend, I was the same myself, I refused to get a spousal visa that I would be entitled to as I am married to a UK citizen but went with the Ancestry route – I am now a proud permanent resident with citizenship on the way and I can say that I relied on noone but myself (and the good fortune that my 80 year old Nanna is English born and moved to a Commonwealth country!)
July 3, 2013 at 11:46 am
Welcome to Sweden. I think (as a number of people hace commented) you will find that Swedish culture is… lets call it “unique”. I am looking forward to reading about your adventures while doing the mental immigration to this country 🙂