I feel like I have been snoozing peacefully in a darkened room, and someone has just snapped up the blinds and harsh, blinding sunlight is forcing me to see things I preferred in the shadows.  Is this why his friends acted the way they did?  Do they resent me suddenly appearing in “Jenny’s” place?  Is he secretive because he can’t bring himself to talk about her and what happened between them?

And now I’m sitting here, alone in the apartment, and his laptop is lying on the bed and I know that he left Facebook open.  And I am not the kind of girlfriend who would ever snoop on her boyfriend: I would never dream of going through his pockets or his drawers or, I swear I actually heard of this once, cloning his phone so that calls and texts are forwarded to me.  I just wouldn’t – trust is a pretty fundamental building block in a relationship, and I take that very seriously.

But this isn’t about finding out if he’s having an affair.  I know he isn’t – I trust him.   This is about getting a little insight into something significant that happened in his past, that obviously affected him to the point that his friends are on tenterhooks about it, that maybe he needs some emotional support with but doesn’t know how to ask.

I wouldn’t even be considering this if it wasn’t for all the other circumstances.  If we had met in my hometown, the chances are we would know at least somebody in common.  I would pick up tidbits from hanging out with his friends and hearing them tell stories, from overhearing him on the phone with people.  But I can’t do any of that here: when he chats on his cell around the apartment, he could be planning an assassination or ordering 10,000 helium balloons for no reason, or, hell, having an affair, and I would have no clue.

So I’ve been feeling around in the dark, going completely on instinct, and now there’s this spotlight on a teensy bit of new, obviously significant, information that I can’t ignore, but it just makes the darkness surrounding it even darker.  I know that anyone sensible would say I don’t need to know anything about Jenny, that it is in the past and that the Viking obviously decided not to tell me for a reason.

But when ABBA Girl said that she was “Jenny’s friend”, it initially seemed to explain a lot: of course she’s going to be frosty around the woman who replaced her friend, it isn’t personal to me, in fact it’s completely natural and understandable.  But then almost immediately, it posed a whole bunch of new questions: why did the Viking get her in the break up if she was Jenny’s friend to start with?  Why would she want to hang with him (and his new girlfriend) if whatever happened was as traumatic as Asterix seemed to say?  Why does she now seem to be best friends with Hockey Girl if they have just known each other a couple of years?

I just feel like if I could find out a little bit more about it all, more pieces would slot in to place and I would have a better picture of what I have stepped in to.  I would know what I was up against, both with the THM and even with the Viking, would know if this is something I need to be aware of and on my toes about, or if I have totally blown it all out of proportion and it is actually more a case of, yeah, they dated, it didn’t work out and he was bummed but then he recovered and ABBA Girl drifted away from her for other reasons.

I know that it’s more than possible that this is not even close to as big of a deal as I have built it up to be.  Except that my gut is telling me it is.  It’s instinct.  The same instinct that made me fall madly in love with a random sunburned dude who lectured me about picking up drunk Aussie dudes in Bangkok.  So I’m sitting here staring at his laptop.