I replied to ABBA Girl’s email responding to her questions and saying I was looking forward to it too – nothing further from her, which, stupidly, I feel stung by again – like, I was stupid to believe the email meant anything and I wasn’t supposed to reply like we were friends or anything. Why do I let her have this effect on me?
The options are, she isn’t as bad as she seems and I’ve made a mountain out of a molehill, or she is as bad as she seems in which case isn’t worth me worrying about. I know that, and yet I can’t stop feeling like this around her, and Hockey Girl too.
They intimidate me. I let them intimidate me, and then I get frustrated at myself for acting like an over sensitive teenager, which gets me madder at them and it’s just a vicious cycle. I have periods of feeling like it’s fine, when I’ve cracked some new information or perspective and feel like I can go on armed with my new knowledge or breakthrough, but then the littlest thing sets me tumbling back to the beginning. At this point, I wish I could just grow up. Another of my Grandma’s theories was about how you can’t control other people’s actions towards you, you can only control your reaction. I’ve been thinking about that and trying to apply it to THM, but I just feel exhausted by the thought of it.
It would help if the Viking wasn’t attached to them at the hip. I know I said that was a good thing only yesterday, and in the abstract I do believe there is value to such strong, intense friendships, but also I feel like, can we just have a break from them already? I have seen these people in just under three months more times than I have seen my own close friends in probably a year or two. Even if I liked and felt comfortable around them, I am sure I’d feel claustrophobic.
We got into a conversation about socializing over dinner last night, and the Viking talked about how Swedes take advantage of the summer by being out all time, because when winter comes everyone locks themselves away to hibernate. He promised that by April, we wouldn’t have seen anyone but one another in months and might have eaten each other.
I told him I would never eat him because he wouldn’t fit in the microwave and that’s the only way I can cook, but secretly I was thinking to myself, “bring on winter!” The thought of months hibernating with the Viking – I’m imagining us playing Yahtzee by candlelight, for some reason – sounds absolutely awesome to me. Maybe I’m just projecting my insecurities about my new life and relationship onto THM and if we all met up again in the spring when I have properly settled, it will be a different story. Maybe.
I’m hoping that we get back to the city on Sunday night in time for me to go to the Swedish conversation group again, I’d love to talk more with those ex pats and maybe get some insight into whether they experienced this über insecurity/high school issues when they first arrived, because I am annoying the ever loving heck out of myself right now.
But first, I have to get through a whole weekend of THM. I guess as long as I keep my clothes on this time it will be an improvement… :-S