I was the one to notice her missing.

I woke up, and in that disoriented, blinking state, I could see them all staring at me.  I realized that it had happened again, and  I wanted to turn, run, hide, get on the next plane back home.  I think I even took a step backwards, but then something struck me and I blurted: “where’s Hanna?”

I’m getting ahead of myself.  I don’t really know how to write this post, or even if I should.  I guess I can’t get in trouble for just writing the truth as I remember it.  Maybe it’ll help me to remember more, remember something important.

We were so drunk.  College drunk.  Slurry, messy, out of control drunk; not just Asterix, all of us.

For the second time, the Viking and I ended up getting the bus out to the stuga alone.  I don’t know if we were late again, or if it was planned that way, but that’s how it was, and it was tense.  I don’t know if he was mad at me or tired and grumpy in general; he worked a night shift on Friday then Saturday morning we left, so maybe that’s all it was.  To begin with, at least.

A little while into the bus journey I had to break the silence.  He was just sitting there, staring out the window as though I wasn’t there, and I needed to talk to him, needed to feel like he was on my side.  I told him I was a little bit nervous about the weekend.  He snapped, ” can I just have one weekend to relax with my friends and not deal with all this shit?”  I wanted to ask if “all this shit” was me, but I was scared of the answer so I didn’t say anything and we spent the rest of the journey in silence.

For a change then, things actually improved with the presence of the Three Headed Monster.  As soon as we arrived, Asterix and the Viking went off to find and chop firewood, and I stayed with the girls.  The three of us walked to the jetty at the bottom of the yard, “to check on the fish,” Hockey Girl explained.  I had no clue what she was talking about, but it turned out that they had attached a bunch of cage type things under the water, and they were slowly filling up with what looked to me like small lobsters, but they said were kräftor, or crayfish.

The girls described the kräftskivan (crayfish party) we were going to have, and were so animated and funny talking about the paper hats and the songs, that we all ended up laughing together.  I said that I thought the name of the event was kind of cruel because I hoped no one would throw a Regan party at which I was eaten, and ABBA Girl linked her arm through mine and told me I was really funny.

We were still laughing as we walked back up the yard to the cottage, then I saw that the guys were back.  They sitting on the back steps and they had cracked open a couple of beers.  My stomach twisted up when the Viking looked up and saw me, then said something to Asterix, and looked away as though I wasn’t there.   Hockey Girl seemed to pick up on something and announced we should go pick flowers for the table, and steered us out into the woods.

I just hate when he gets like this, when he acts mad at me and distant, and I don’t know why.  I hate tension and silences, I’ve never been good at them.  I blurt random crap just to fill the silence, and I can sense that I’m annoying him and then I’m mad at myself for annoying him and mad at him for being unreasonably annoyed.  It’s not always like this, all couples have their ups and downs, it’s just that’s how it was on Saturday.  Not that our minor domestic had anything to do with what happened; it’s just that when the police were asking how she seemed during the day I couldn’t remember because my mind was so filled with Anders and his mood.

Other than the laughing at the jetty.  I told them that, but I guess that wasn’t really what they were looking for.