Something that kept occurring to me, over and over, as we sat talking with Ida, was how different her Hanna was to my Hanna.
She is similar to Anders’ Hanna, but not exactly the same, and a far cry from SAG’s Hanna. As I listened to them reminiscing about their friend, I realized that I recognized their Hanna, I just hadn’t really seen her at the time. How much of “my” Hanna was dictated by how I was feeling, lonely and insecure about my place in Anders’ life? Or did I see her more clearly, not being blinded by years of friendship and loyalty? I guess we’re all like that, different aspects of our personalities come out with different relationships, different times and places, there’s nothing sinister about it. It’s just that everything feels sinister and suspicious in the circumstances.
I’ve been kind of thrown by this new information that she was actually on my side all summer. It’s making me look back on every time I met her with new eyes. Regretful eyes. I can’t honestly say I gave her a chance any more than I felt at the time she gave me. I was stung by her attitude the first time I met her, and retreated to glower at her from inside my shell for evermore. I need to do this, to help in any way I can, for Anders sake, but also for her. Kind of a, “sorry I was a bitch, but here, I solved your murder.” I wonder if Hallmark make a card for that?
Ida recognized us when we passed the DJ booth on our way out, and got an overwhelming urge to talk to people who knew Hanna, so abandoned her decks and followed us. “I am probably fired,” she said with an elegant shrug. “Who cares?” I asked her if the police had talked to her, she said no, but why would they. She wasn’t there, what could she tell them? She and Hanna weren’t especially close, more clubbing buddies; she was surprised to feel so overwhelmed with sadness. “It’s just so fucking pointless,” she kept saying.
She teased Anders about Hanna’s crush on him. I saw the tips of his ears go red and he shook his head, but I smiled. “I knew it.” It wasn’t a serious thing, more a running joke Hanna had with some friends about the one man she couldn’t have. Wracking my brains for the kind of thing Columbo or whoever would want to know, I asked her if Hanna had seemed troubled by anything in the weeks before her death. Ida said maybe, Hanna always had some kind of drama going on, she would be giddy and broken hearted in the blink of an eye. She wailed about stuff she didn’t really care about, and laughed when she was gutted inside, so it was hard to tell.
Anders said that if she had been worried about anything, he would have known, and I nodded quickly, but couldn’t help but think that if she did have even a little crush on him, and she was feeling frustrated with him about the Jenny secret, maybe she wouldn’t confide in him quite as much as he thought.
Anders brought up von Dursen – was he serious about her? Ida shook her head firmly, said he was just making a scene at the memorial to make a scene, that the only thing von Dursen was serious about was coke. The colour nearly drained from her face and she actually looked around to make sure no one was listening. “Shit – I can’t believe I – that is just between us, no one is supposed to -” Seeing that she was genuinely worried, we quickly reassured her we wouldn’t breathe a word, but I was wondering why it was such a big deal. Don’t all fancy people have dusty dollar bills? Surely the only real stigma these days is that’s kind of 80s. Maybe it’s different in Sweden though. Whatever.
I realized that I had tuned out a little bit, because I suddenly saw that Anders looked horrified. Ida was talking about how Hanna finally broke it off with von Dursen when she accidentally slept with somebody she shouldn’t, and had kidded about how she couldn’t decide whether she was more upset she slept with a guy who had a girlfriend, or a guy who worked in the tax office.
I met Anders’ eye as it dawned on me too. “Daniel.”