I have established something of a routine over the past few days, and it involves a daily visit to my favorite coffee shop in all the world. One thing I have observed since moving here, is just how much of a coffee shop culture there is here – seriously, Stockholmers are obsessed with something called a “fika”, which means to go for a coffee with a friend. It can, according to the Viking, be either a noun or a verb: “let’s have a fika tomorrow,” “shall we fika tomorrow?” Maybe because it sounds a little like a certain F word in English, it gives me the giggles a little to hear my Viking talking about going for a fika with his male friends… I’m like, ‘honey, what you do in your time is your business…’ 😉
Anyway, it seems that a fika in the company of a good book is also acceptable; I was relieved to discover that I am far from the only solo fika-er in most of the coffee shops I frequent. I try to change the location up from time to time (a girl’s gotta have some excitement…) but the one I keep coming back to time and time again is on a little square near our apartment. The square itself is super cute, there is a little fountain in the center of the grass, and it’s usually filled with hipsters and toddlers dressed like hipsters (seriously, I never imagined the thought would cross my mind: “I would love that outfit… minus the diaper”)
My coffee shop overlooks the square. No matter how bright the sunshine outside, it is always shadowy and cozy, and kind of feels like a little old grandma’s living room in a fairy tale. There is random brick-a-brack and quirky mirrors on the walls, mismatched furniture and giant Alice in Wonderland cups and saucers. The Viking took me on a walk to the square my first night here, but I’ve never been into the coffee shop with him, and it’s come to feel like my sanctuary, my own little corner of Stockholm.
Until today.
I was happily cuddled up in my usual corner reading, when I glanced up, and saw her. Hockey Girl. Damn. Why her? Why here? She was waiting in line for a coffee, and, as usual, seemed engrossed in her phone, so my first thought was to duck and pretend I hadn’t seen her.
But I couldn’t concentrate on my book.
I’m stuck with these people. The Viking is talking about our plans for this weekend, and guess who it involves? They are a tight, tight crew, and he is one of them and wants me to be too. Once I have some friends of my own, I’ll be able to beg off sometimes, but I can’t exactly be like, “you go ahead honey, I have plans… to watch TV on my own.” So for now, I’m stuck with them and I couldn’t rest if I missed an opportunity to break the ice a little.
So up I got, approached her with my biggest smile as though the last two times we met she hadn’t treated me like she scraped me off her shoe, and said, “hi, so great to see you! How are you?” And she basically acted like we had never met before and I was some freak weirdo trying to start a conversation with a stranger. She muttered, barely, “hi” then turned and ordered her coffee. And I was like, “I’m excited for this weekend! I hear we’re going to dinner?” She nodded, smiled really tightly and said she had to go, it was nice to see me.
Well that was a lie. It was clearly, evidently, excruciating to see me.
Except this time, for the first time, it occurred to me that the problem wasn’t me. I know I’ve been calling them jerks here, but really I’ve been thinking about whatever stupid thing I said or did the other times I met them, but this time, I’m sorry, but there is no way I was being anything but nice and friendly and if that terrifies her so much then she has some kind of social anxiety or something. It can’t be personal, she doesn’t know me enough to have anything to dislike about me (is it too much to ask for people to get to know me before hating me?!).
Phew.
July 3, 2013 at 4:06 pm
Wow, what an Ice Queen (I am thinking of a different word but we’ll go with Q…). I have been meaning to add this for some time: for nearly a decade my family lived next door to a Swede in Moscow. He was the warmest, friendliest person ever. I was a teen and my sister a pre-teen; he and his Russian commonwealth wife didnt have any kids so they spoiled me and my sister rotten. We house-sat his cat. He let us play with his VERY expensive stereo system and introduced us to Roxette; his wife let us try on her outrageous outfits. Our families were really close till he moved back to Sweden. And it’s not like he was assimilated into the Russian way of things (plus at that point, the 90’s, Russia was probably the least friendly place…and the Russkies generally take a while to warm up to strangers) – he barely spoke 2 words of Russian, he and his wife communicated in English, and he was sent here to head up the Russian HQ of a Sweden’s Tetra Pak. So. It’s not the Swedes. And it’s not you. It’s the Three-Headed Monster.
Next time you see them, dont engage. If they ask a question, reply politely. Then ignore and smile. If V asks why you’re being like that, tell them you dont want to be rude and prying, to overwhelm them with your questions. See? You’re just being thoughtful. And nice. Kill them with niceness. And cold.
July 3, 2013 at 5:07 pm
Wow indeed. I concur with Anna: don’t engage, don’t go up to them, let them come to you. Be polite but closed off, be a ‘kind’ ice queen. Also it may be getting to the point where you should open up to the Viking and let him know what your experience has been. Ask him if you’re just coming across a cultural difference, or if it’s something else. He loves you and wants you to succeed there, perhaps he can give you some advice. And then also (hopefully!) he’ll go to his friends and remind them this is a tough transition and they should try to be more friendly to you too.
Also, check this out: “UK native Suhail Din reflects on why Swedes refused to talk to him and his family during their recent visit to Stockholm on holiday” http://www.thelocal.se/35404/20110815
and this: “Swedish people just don’t understand small talk”
http://www.thelocal.se/48816/20130702/
Maybe take all that with a grain of salt. And know you’re not alone.
I really do think though that you shouldn’t be doing all the cultural heavy-lifting with your Swede’s friends – they should be making more of an effort too. Try to let him see what your struggle’s been on this, let him help you find a solution, and give him a chance to have your back. Really – every scandanavian person I’ve ever met (small number, but still) are some of the most warm hearted people i’ve ever met. Once I got to know them, that is. Good luck!!
July 3, 2013 at 5:24 pm
I’ve heard some Stockholmers can be like that. Elitest. Get around to some other parts of Sweden.
July 3, 2013 at 5:45 pm
Anna, you are being way to nice to throw the Queen around, she is the needs to be medicated psycho bitch! lol… It never was you, but one has to think maybe she’s jealous that you got the Viking and not her! Tuff tutu’s sister (hockey girl), that what we call Karma! Kill them with kindness or ask her when the stick got stuck!
July 3, 2013 at 5:47 pm
LOL @ Joanna – I am starting the ‘kill with kindness’ campaign with switching in the Q for a B 🙂
July 3, 2013 at 6:50 pm
You have just met the typical b***h from Stockholm. They can be found all over the country but are more easy to find in Stockholm :p
To get in to a friend group in Sweden can be pretty hard, they don’t let you in easy but on the other hand when you finally are in, you are in 🙂
July 26, 2013 at 6:13 pm
That’s a relief to hear – thanks!!
July 3, 2013 at 8:10 pm
Good luck I have been there and just remember it is them not you!
July 3, 2013 at 8:43 pm
It’s definately not you. Just let me say that. Take your fika and fiker off! I sometimes feel like saying. And ‘filled with hipsters and toddlers dressed like hipsters’ – classic. So true!
July 3, 2013 at 10:27 pm
All you can do is control your own behavior. Whatever her issues, be cordial and try not to empower her. Who cares if she likes you or not? Be blase about it all.
By the way, love the “fika” story. How do you pronounce it? Is the ‘i’ long or short?
July 4, 2013 at 5:08 am
Definitely sounds like it’s her, not you. Some people are just like that. When I was living in France, the friend groups were very hard to break into. Ah well. She can fika off. 😛
July 4, 2013 at 2:49 pm
That’s so rude! Would it have taken too much effort for her to respond to your attempts at conversation? What on earth makes people want to cause awkwardness in others? I’m incensed on your behalf!
July 26, 2013 at 6:15 pm
Much appreciated, thank you!
July 6, 2013 at 6:57 am
😦
July 22, 2013 at 7:28 am
Psst: Some girl advice… Next time you meet her in the company of others, maybe you could put on your broadest smile and go ” It was so nice running into you ate the Coffee Place the other day, too bad we couldn’t have a catch up. Maybe next time… I go there a lot”
I bet you’ll never run into her at your coffee shop again 😀
July 22, 2013 at 7:38 am
I like your thinking – thanks!!
July 22, 2013 at 10:04 am
Sometimes it’s difficult for some people to be civil. I have too met such exceptional cases in my life. Thanks for sharing your experiences!
July 23, 2013 at 10:12 pm
I say fika-er. 😉
July 23, 2013 at 10:22 pm
Excellent advice, thank you! 😉
July 26, 2013 at 5:21 pm
What bitch (yes, I know, pot/kettle/black!) there is NO excuse for bad manners.Smother her with ice cold niceness!
July 26, 2013 at 6:14 pm
Thank you, I totally agree! Have been doing my best!!
August 6, 2013 at 10:32 am
Her loss.